Joke of the day (Page 1 of 2)

one for Mikey-
...an aussie guy walks into a musican's bar with a music playing octypus, and proceeds to take money off everyone by betting that it can play their instruments..guitar, OK...piano, no worries, sax, plays it fine- then a scotsman walks in with his bagpipes, and the octypus seems stumpted- he walks around the bagpipes on his eight little legs, lifts the bagpipes up and looks underneath...sits back and scratches his head with a tentacle.
Give him a few minutes, the aussie says to the Scotsman- when he figures out he can't have sex with it, he's gonna  play it.....

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender looks up and says "why the long face?"

I don't get it . . .

Why do divers sit on the the side of the boat and go backwards into the water?

Because if they went forwards they'd end up in the boat.

a penguin walks in this bar and asks the barman ' has my dad been in ' and the barman says ' dont know ..whats he look like '

Not great - he really is in prison!

A skeleton walks into a bar and says, "Gimme a beer, and a mop." ...

What do you call a fish with no eyes?

A "fsh".

A man and his ever nagging wife went to Jerusalem on holiday, The wife passed away there. The undertaker said for £5000 we can ship the body to England. But for £150 we can bury her in this Holy Land. The man said I want the body shipped to England. The undertaker asked why do you want to pay £5000 when you can do it here for £150?
The man said, long time ago a person called Jesus Christ died here and was buried here. Three days later he rose from the dead. I don't want to take a chance.

An old man of ninety was sitting on a park bench crying. A policeman noticed
this and asked him why he was crying.

"Well," says the old fellow, "I just got married to a twenty-five year old
woman. Every morning she makes me a wonderful breakfast and then we make
love. In the afternoon she makes me a wonderful lunch and then we make love.
At dinner time she makes me a wonderful supper and then we make love."
The policeman looks at the old man and says, "You shouldn't be crying! You
should be the happiest man in the world!"

So the old man says, "I know! I'm crying because I don't remember where I
live!"

old couple sat in church. during service wife whispers,i just done a silent fart, what should i do ?
hubby says put a bloody  battery in your hearing aid !!!!