Joke of the day (Page 2 of 2)

Why didn't the sailors play cards?
Because the captain was sitting on the deck.

After having their 11th child, a Liverpool couple decided that was enough,
as the social wouldn't buy them a bigger bed and they weren't strong enough
to nick one.

The husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't
want to have any more children.

The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix
the problem but it was expensive.

A less costly alternative was to go home, get a firework, light it, put it
in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Scouser said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest guy in the
world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear
is going to help me.'

'Trust me, it will do the job', said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held the
can up to his ear and began to count: '1, 2, 3, 4, 5,' at which point he
paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting
on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Middlesbrough, Hull , parts of Bradford and
anywhere in Wales......... 

Three women were sitting around throwing back a few drinks and talking about their love lives.
One woman said, "I call my husband the dentist. Nobody can drill like he does."

The second woman giggled and confessed, "I call my husband the miner because of his incredible shaft."

The third woman quietly sipped her whiskey until her friend asked, "Say, what do you call your husband?"

She frowned and said, "The postman."

"Why the postman?"

"Because he always delivers late, and half the time it's in the wrong box."

dang I really like this one 

I grew up in a tough area. When I was a kid, people used to cover me in chocolate and cream, then put a cherry on my head.

Life was tough in the Gateau..................