Joke of the day

mikeyBoab · Post by **mikeyBoab** » Mon Jul 05, 2010 7:34 am

A man walks into a bar and says "ouch".

Post by **Olly** » Mon Jul 05, 2010 7:44 am

*groan*

Two peanuts walked into a bar, and one was a-salted.

aussieteacherPMMD · Post by **aussieteacherPMMD** » Mon Jul 05, 2010 8:04 am

one for Mikey-
...an aussie guy walks into a musican's bar with a music playing octypus, and proceeds to take money off everyone by betting that it can play their instruments..guitar, OK...piano, no worries, sax, plays it fine- then a scotsman walks in with his bagpipes, and the octypus seems stumpted- he walks around the bagpipes on his eight little legs, lifts the bagpipes up and looks underneath...sits back and scratches his head with a tentacle.
Give him a few minutes, the aussie says to the Scotsman- when he figures out he can't have sex with it, he's gonna play it.....

mikeyBoab · Post by **mikeyBoab** » Mon Jul 05, 2010 8:08 am

Ewww.

A piece of road and a piece of pavement are having a pint in the pub when a really rough looking piece of red tarmac walks in. The piece of road says to the piece of pavement, "Quick, drink up and let's go. I know him - he's a complete cyclepath."

mikeyBoab · Post by **mikeyBoab** » Tue Jul 06, 2010 10:49 am

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender looks up and says "why the long face?"

Post by **Olly** » Tue Jul 06, 2010 11:05 am

A young boy and his mother are walking down the street and the boy turns to his mother and says "when I grow up I want to be a musician"
his mother replies "Now now son you cant do both"!

mikeyBoab · Post by **mikeyBoab** » Tue Jul 06, 2010 11:54 am

Olly wrote:A young boy and his mother are walking down the street and the boy turns to his mother and says "when I grow up I want to be a musician"
his mother replies "Now now son you cant do both"!

I don't get it . . .

mikeyBoab · Post by **mikeyBoab** » Thu Jul 08, 2010 11:14 am

How many trade unionists does it take to change a lightbulb?

CHANGE!?!

mikeyBoab · Post by **mikeyBoab** » Fri Jul 30, 2010 1:51 pm

Why do divers sit on the the side of the boat and go backwards into the water?

Because if they went forwards they'd end up in the boat.

mikeyBoab · Post by **mikeyBoab** » Sat Sep 18, 2010 5:02 am

George Michael has been attacked in prison with a bar of chocolate.

Police say it was a careless Wispa

polyal · Post by **polyal** » Sat Sep 18, 2010 6:20 am

a penguin walks in this bar and asks the barman ' has my dad been in ' and the barman says ' dont know ..whats he look like '

i-watermelon john · Post by **i-watermelon john** » Sat Sep 18, 2010 11:33 am

mikeyBoab wrote:George Michael has been attacked in prison with a bar of chocolate.

Police say it was a careless Wispa

how's he doing these days

mikeyBoab · Post by **mikeyBoab** » Sat Sep 18, 2010 8:24 pm

watermelon john wrote:
mikeyBoab wrote:George Michael has been attacked in prison with a bar of chocolate.

Police say it was a careless Wispa

how's he doing these days

Not great - he really is in prison!

mikeyBoab · Post by **mikeyBoab** » Sat Sep 18, 2010 8:25 pm

A three legged dog walks into a bar in the old West and says "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

axis · Post by **axis** » Sat Sep 18, 2010 10:58 pm

A skeleton walks into a bar and says, "Gimme a beer, and a mop." ...

polyal · Post by **polyal** » Mon Sep 20, 2010 10:08 pm

bloke phones doctor : hello doctor i think my wifes dead..how do you mean you think shes dead...
well the sex is the same but the washings piling up

mikeyBoab · Post by **mikeyBoab** » Mon Oct 11, 2010 3:10 pm

What do you call a fish with no eyes?

A "fsh".

alun · Post by **alun** » Thu Oct 28, 2010 4:34 pm

What do you call a pig with six eyes?
A piiiiiig.

jamesd74 · Post by **jamesd74** » Thu Oct 28, 2010 9:52 pm

A man and his ever nagging wife went to Jerusalem on holiday, The wife passed away there. The undertaker said for £5000 we can ship the body to England. But for £150 we can bury her in this Holy Land. The man said I want the body shipped to England. The undertaker asked why do you want to pay £5000 when you can do it here for £150?
The man said, long time ago a person called Jesus Christ died here and was buried here. Three days later he rose from the dead. I don't want to take a chance.

alun · Post by **alun** » Fri Oct 29, 2010 7:27 am

Scientists have revealed today that they have found a new
drug for depressed lesbians.. It's called Trydixagain.

jamesd74 · Post by **jamesd74** » Fri Oct 29, 2010 8:01 pm

An old man of ninety was sitting on a park bench crying. A policeman noticed
this and asked him why he was crying.

"Well," says the old fellow, "I just got married to a twenty-five year old
woman. Every morning she makes me a wonderful breakfast and then we make
love. In the afternoon she makes me a wonderful lunch and then we make love.
At dinner time she makes me a wonderful supper and then we make love."
The policeman looks at the old man and says, "You shouldn't be crying! You
should be the happiest man in the world!"

So the old man says, "I know! I'm crying because I don't remember where I
live!"

alun · Post by **alun** » Fri Oct 29, 2010 8:55 pm

.Never Lose Your Grandson!
My small grandson got lost in the new Liverpool One shopping centre the other day.
He approached a uniformed security guard and said, "I've lost my granddad!"
The guard asked, "What's his name?"
"Granddad."
The guard smiled, then asked: "What's he like?"
The little tyke hesitated for a moment and then replied:
"Brown Ale, and women with big tits."

alun · Post by **alun** » Sat Oct 30, 2010 6:48 am

old couple sat in church. during service wife whispers,i just done a silent fart, what should i do ?
hubby says put a bloody battery in your hearing aid !!!!

mikeyBoab · Post by **mikeyBoab** » Mon Nov 01, 2010 9:13 pm

What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No idea.

JohnnySaur · Post by **JohnnySaur** » Tue Nov 02, 2010 2:42 am

A blonde cop stops blonde motorist and asks for her driving license.

The Motorist scuffles around in her purse and can't find it. She says to the cop, "I must have left it at home officer."

The cop says, "Well, do you have any kind of identification?" The motorist scuffles around in her purse again, and finds a pocket mirror.

She looks at it and says to the cop, "All I have is this picture of myself." The cop says, "Let me see it, then." So the blonde motorist gives the mirror to the blonde cop, who looks at it, and replies, "Well, if I had known you were a police officer, I wouldn't have even pulled you over. You can go now."